Posted on 05/30/11 at 4:54 pm to Inner Sanctum,Paul,Remember

Let me preface this with the following, I support our troops. I think of our men & women in the military DAILY. I am thankful to them DAILY. I also think about my husband and all the other men & women we have lost either in combat overseas or through their own battles here at home DAILY. But today is Memorial Day. Today is the day we remember those who have died who have also served our country. It is for the DEAD. It is the ONE day of the year that somebody other than me and other Gold Star families should be remembering them. It’s the one day of the year where maybe, just maybe, we won’t feel so alone in remembering them and honoring them. It’s not about BBQs and parties and kicking off the summer season. It is not about the LIVING. Just because I want this one day a year to remember Paul, my grandfathers and all the others who have passed does not mean I don’t think about them every other day of the year. This is not about ME remembering them. This is about everybody else remembering them too. We have a day for the living. It’s called Veteran’s Day.

So I’d like to take a moment to thank just a few of them:

  • Howard Paul Allen (KIA 09/26/05)
  • Edwin Monk (Served in the Army)
  • Issac Lyons (Served in the Army)
  • Jeremiah Robinson (KIA 10/06/05)
  • SSG William Allers (who we have never met but accidentally ended up with his uniform KIA 09/20/05)
  • Nathan Martens (KIA 09/06/05)
  • John Thornton (KIA 02/25/06)
  • Patrick Tinnell (KIA 04/19/06)
  • Jason Whitehouse (KIA 11/02/06)
  • Troy Gilbert (Plane crash 11/26/06)
  • Bobby Mendez (KIA 04/07/06), Wyatt Eisenhauer (KIA 05/19/05)
  • William Newman (KIA 06/07/07)
  • All the heroes who were loved by my many Gold Star sisters
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Posted on 02/09/11 at 2:46 am to Inner Sanctum,Paul,weightloss

This post will be a work in progress. I want to write down all the things I used to do before Paul was killed. I’m at a point in this whole grief process where I’m tired of being sad so much. I’m tired of feeling held back. I’m tired of watching life being lived by others instead of living it. I need to make some big changes in my life. I’ve already restarted Weight Watchers on the 1st and it’s going well. I feel motivated again. I was doing so well with it before Paul was killed but after that I not only gained back what I’d lost but a whole lot more. It’s keeping me from living. I’m tired of just surviving and I’m ready to start living and in order to that I have to not be in pain if I stand too long or get out of breath when I’m barely doing anything.

I’m tired of the clutter around me too and that will be the next thing to go. Now that I think my body might be steadying out from the change in diet, I’m going to start going through all the boxes of stuff I have. I’m going to go through all my book shelves and knick knacks and work to prune stuff out. And I want to pick a date on the calendar that works for everybody in the house and get the garage completely cleaned out and organized.

Once all that is done I want to devote time to getting off my butt and getting moving. Taking walks around the mall so that I can’t use the AZ heat as an excuse to not get out and walk. Park my butt on the exercise bike and actually use it while I watch TV. And with the garage cleaned out I can make use of that expensive treadmill I have out there.

And I want to start taking online college classes again. I tried in 2006 and I just wasn’t ready. I was dealing with having just lost Paul and we were traveling a lot to keep ourselves distracted. I’m ready to expand my knowledge and prepare to enter the work force again. To get out and meet real people in the real world around my home. Make friends who I can invite to barbecues and an occasional get together.

Now.. on to the list of things that I used to do before Paul was killed.. this list will change as I remember things to add so it may be short to start with. But if I don’t start this post now then I know myself enough to know I’ll never do it.

  • I used to watch NASCAR and LOVED it.
  • I used to listen to music more often & sing.
  • I used to work on my graphics all the time.
  • I used to design websites often.
  • I used to go shopping in stores.
  • I used to go out to eat with my family more.
  • I used to take drives just for fun.
  • I used to like being around people.
  • I used to be more organized.
  • I used to actually talk to my friends on the phone & in person.
  • I used to like holidays/birthdays.
  • I used to sleep!!!

Well that’s it for now. It’s late and I can’t think of any more but I know there are many, many more things that should be on this list.

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Posted on 01/01/11 at 9:17 pm to Uncategorized

I haven’t blogged in a while but I have to get this out or it will eat away at me. It’s not that anything was intentionally done. It’s all on me and a part of my journey through widowhood but I’m sure that single people can understand how I’m feeling. I’m used to Valentine’s Day & being single so I’ve changed things up & make it about my kids. I spoil them and shower them with extra love and they in turn give me extra hugs & kisses. But New Years Eve is a whole other entity. Last night for the first time people actually accepted our invite to spend the evening with us. It was only 2 people but at least they accepted.

Now here in lies my problem. We had 5 adults. Three were female and 2 were male plus my 3 kids. Are we beginning to see the source of my discomfort? For the first time in a long time I was painfully & heart breakingly aware that Paul was missing. I’m used to the day to day stuff. I’m past acceptance. But there were 2 couples and then me. Two couples holding hands, cuddling and being lovey and then me. I don’t even know any single people any more that I even could of invited if I wanted to. Not to mention it was a low key evening and not a drunken bash.

I thought I’d be ok come morning but I guess I’m not. I don’t want a boyfriend or significant other right now. I want to focus on myself & my children. But it sure sucked feeling so lonely to ring in the new year even when surrounded by people.

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Posted on 11/15/10 at 6:28 pm to Uncategorized

I want to add another of my WP blogs to my phone but it keeps wanting me to add only from wordpress.org or .com So it has me wondering if the new WordPress for Blackberry no longer allows for blogs not hosted with those 2 sites. One of those sites doesn’t even host blogs. *sigh*

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Posted on 10/11/10 at 12:11 pm to Caitlyn,Devlin,Edwin,General

I know, I know! It’s been a while since I last posted. The kids started school. Devlin started keyboard (piano) class. Edwin is participating in normal teen activities (dances & football games) and we’ve gotten to the core of Cat’s anxiety issues with school. Even though she’s not going to school she is seeing her therapist every week and they are trying to work through her issues with school. When every major bad thing that ever happened to you happens while you’re at school, I can see how you wouldn’t want to go. And then of course I’m always more withdrawn from right after Dev’s birthday on September 11 til about mid October. But I’m starting to feel like myself again.

Starting to feel the fall/Halloween spirit. I love this time of year. I’m only sad that the only way I get to really see the changing leaves is in the painting my grandma gave me of a covered bridge in a fall scene. It was part of a series of paintings by her cousin that had all the seasons. The winter one was always my favorite growing up and the fall was my least favorite but once I moved to Arizona I got a whole new appreciation for the changing leaves of fall.

Well the kids are off this whole week for fall break and I’m still waking up so I guess I’ll come back later to post more. I need to find something to eat and wake myself up. I just wanted to say why I got quiet again. :)

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Posted on 08/07/10 at 10:21 pm to Fun Stuff

Most of these were on our cross country trip in 2006. A couple of them were vacations during childhood and some of them were the bus ride when I moved to AZ. I want to visit the north west though.


visited 35 states (70%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

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Posted on 08/04/10 at 11:09 pm to Uncategorized

I’ve been trying to spend extra time with the kids since they go back to school next week. We were supposed to go to the drive-in last night to see “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” but Cat had stayed up all night the night before so she couldn’t stay awake long enough to get ready. Even though she is 15 I wasn’t going to leave her home alone with the news talking about convicted murderers having escaped from a northern AZ prison & possibly heading to the valley. So we all stayed home. But Rob & the boys went to Walmart & picked up “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” & “Clash of the Titans”.

The boys & I had a movie night complete with all the snacks & stuff we’d bought for the drive-in. We watched “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” first. I thought it was too cute with many funny parts. I loved “Clash of the Titans” & would love to see a sequel. I loved the effects but could do without the giant scorpions that made me want to hurl & not look at the TV. *shudder*

Once the movies were over & the boys had gone to bed I couldn’t sleep. So instead I was up until after 5 am working on turning Edwin’s hand drawn logo into a computer graphic. It’s taking some time but I’ve finally gotten it shrunk to WP header size and I’m working on coloring it. It will probably take me until at least the end of the week to finish his header.

Rob to Cat to register at the public high school after her doctor’s appointment today. She learned that one of the advantages to public high school is she gets to take Culinary Arts. We also learned that because she was dropped from the online schooling & didn’t fail the 9th grade by law they have to put her in 10th. She just has to make up the credits which she can do. So with this knowledge we’ve decided to have Edwin go also & continue on with regular high school rather than just test early for his GED. He’ll be 20 when he graduates but he got a late start and was held back in 8th grade. So I just might get that proud mom at graduation moment with him after all.

We spent some time tonight going through the tshirts at Walmart.com for Edwin & found a bunch not found in stores that are his style and were on sale. So he’s all set for shirts. He just needs new shoes & a pair of jeans & belt and he’ll be all set clothing wise.

Well that’s it for tonight. I’m running on about 4 hours sleep & I’m ready for bed. Night!

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Posted on 08/03/10 at 3:14 am to Administrative,Devlin,General

So I mostly have Devlin back on a regular sleep schedule. Now to just get myself on one. I’ve finished going through all my fonts and I’ve upgraded all 11 sites with WordPress that I’m responsible for upgrading. I’m sure they’ll just release a new version next week. LOL Maybe tomorrow I might start working on the graphics for Edwin’s site. Other than that, not much else to write about. I’m getting tired so I think I might lay down and see if I can finally fall asleep. It’s just after 3 AM so even 6 or 7 hours of sleep would still be a decent hour to wake up for now. Night!

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Posted on 07/31/10 at 8:05 pm to Uncategorized

So last night Dev fell asleep just before 7 PM and woke up at 5:30 AM. That’s as close to a regular sleep schedule as we’ve been since summer school got out. Tonight he fell asleep just before 7 also. Since we rescheduled our trip to the drive-in to see “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” because we’ve had T-storms the last couple nights and are supposed to again tonight, I figured I’d take a couple Tylenol PM capsules & try to get myself on a more normal sleep schedule. If it works for me I’ll make Cat do it tomorrow night. So I’m calling it an early night tonight. Night!

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Posted on 07/31/10 at 12:51 am to Uncategorized

So I pretty much got nothing done today. I slept off an on through most of the morning & afternoon. I did pay some bills. I ordered Cat her new shoes but they said to allow 4 weeks for delivery so that means they won’t be here in time for school to start. I also ordered her a tshirt with one of Jasmine’s fairies on it. Then Dev & I sat and looked at Walmart’s website for school clothes. Found a bunch of $5 tshirts with Toy Story & The Last Airbender on it. We found a couple tshirts with these little monsters on them. One said, “I’m not listening” and the other said something like, “If I didn’t hear NO it doesn’t count” or I’m going to do it anyway. Something along those lines but totally Devlin. I think I did pretty good too. I got him 8 tshirts & 6 pairs of jeans for $125 after shipping. We’ll get him jean shorts, socks, underwear & shoes locally. Cat needs new jeans and clothes for school also. Hers will cost me more though.

Well that’s it for tonight. I’m off to rewatch “The Pillars of the Earth” since my DVR cut the end of it off. Thank goodness I have so many different Starz channels. Night!

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