Posted on 07/22/08 at 10:40 pm to Uncategorized
x-posted from My Hero Always. I take two steps forward and 10 steps back. This is posted here in case whoever this person is has decided to stalk me and ends up here.
This person btw is apparently STALKING me just to be malicious as they commented on the family site also. I should also remind that the kids check both sites from school and on their own laptops. Nice huh? Just what they need to be reading too.
Wondering
a.friend@gmail.com | 72.240.170.177
Patience – Why no new posts? Have you forgotten?
I know you loved him – I understand. But now has time passed and you’ve forgotten this tribute so easily? Or is life too busy to take the time any more, now that he’s been gone for so long.
Just like the country…. you forget. How sad.
Actually it just means that my children are a bigger priority than a website. Sharing stories with them is more important than people like YOU.
You know what they say about people who make assumptions? You make an ass of you and me.
To the person from the Toledo, Ohio area who was too cowardly to sign their real name, with their real email address and seems to take pleasure in actually causing pain to the widow of a fallen soldier, you have made a terrible assumption. Who are you to assume you know how I grieve? Just because a website has not been updated does NOT mean that I have forgotten MY husband. It means my time has been better served else where. MY CHILDREN. Paul’s son will be 6 years old in September. Last year he went to half day kindergarten and became VERY aware that HE did not have a daddy attending school functions and taking him to and picking him up from school. Do you have any idea who it is that comforts this crying child who misses his daddy EVERY day? ME. Paul’s WIFE. I’m the one that cries every day still, even almost 3 years later. It has NOT been a good year for me and the kids contrary to what many people may wish to believe. I have photos of him in EVERY room of my house. I have his picture in my cars. I talk about him all the time to the point where people are tired of hearing his name.
And while I’m at it, since somebody from Ohio is choosing to make assumptions about me like they live in my house with me and stand in my shoes every day, I have NOT dated anybody since Paul died. I have NO interest in dating. I am still very much IN love with my husband and I still call myself his WIFE. People who know me and actually speak to me know that my heart did, does and always will belong to Paul. People see my pain still. Were you here yesterday (July 21) when I cried off and on all day and didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything because it would of been 8 years that we had been together? I didn’t see you in bed next to me. Have you emailed me on a personal level? Or are you just jealous that he was married to ME and feel the need to lash out and make ME hurt more to make yourself feel better? Well screw you and anybody else that thinks they know me and my grief and my life. Were you at the cemetery on April 3rd of this year? I was.. with my 3 children and 3 other adults drinking a sparkling cider toast and having green frosted cup cakes for him. Were you at the cemetery on the 2 yr anniversary? I was.. with balloons and notes in hand with my children, his sister, some of his battle buddies and one of his best friends. Are you the god mother of a child who is named after him? I am. Oh yea.. BTW.. he’s the god father. Were you sitting here with Devlin watching the videos Paul left for him of him reading stories? I don’t think so.. nope you weren’t. Are you playing mom AND dad to this sweet and loving little boy with a hurting heart? Nope. You’re not doing that either.
For anybody that’s interested, I have a memorial Myspace set up for Paul. Just email me for the URL. It’s only viewable to those who are added as friends. I post/update this one more often at the moment because that’s where some of his battle buddies are signed up and I can keep in touch with them and let them know how we are doing. Those that really care and support us take the time to send supportive messages not try to cause us more hurt.
It’s sad that I should even have to make a post such as this but this behavior is absolutely unacceptable of an adult. But from the mouth of our sweet boy who wonders why mommy is now crying AGAIN, “You have pictures everywhere mommy. You always tell me stories about him. Don’t let that person make you cry. Tell that person to go away.” And that is what keeps me going every day. That little boy with Paul’s face and habits. If not for that little boy I’d already be with MY husband.
5 CommentsPosted on 06/18/08 at 7:46 pm to Fun Stuff
Posted on 06/14/08 at 6:26 pm to Uncategorized
I want to wish my fellow Americans a very happy Flag Day!
Posted on 06/13/08 at 6:01 pm to Uncategorized
Come join the fun!
Posted on 06/06/08 at 1:27 pm to General, family
I will be leaving here shortly on my way to Laughlin, Nevada. My best friends are getting married and it’s about damn time! They’ve been together just over 8 years now. It’s about a 4-6 hour drive from my house. So we have the Suburban packed and I’m wearing my Friday Red and we’ll be out the door. We’ll be back sometime Sunday. We’re coming home by way of the Hoover Dam.
Also could you please keep 2 of my sisters in your prayers.. my sister Jessika is losing her baby again. I worry about her and what another loss will do to her and I love her so much. My heart is breaking for her and her husband. And I found out yesterday that my other sister has miscarried again also. And with all this going on please also keep my 3rd sister in your prayers that her pregnancy keeps doing well. She’s due in October.
Everybody have a great weekend!
3 CommentsPosted on 06/04/08 at 11:24 pm to Fun Stuff
You’re One Hundred Years of Solitude!
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Lonely and struggling, you’ve been around for a very long time. Conflict has filled most of your life and torn apart nearly everyone you know. Yet there is something majestic and even epic about your presence in the world. You love life all the more for having seen its decimation. After all, it takes a village.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.
No CommentsPosted on 06/04/08 at 1:25 pm to Caitlyn, Devlin, Edwin, family
Enter your password to view commentsPosted on 06/01/08 at 10:51 pm to General, Inner Sanctum, family
First of all… my little sister, Jessika, found out she’s pregnant! I’m so excited for her and would like to ask that everybody keep her and her husband in your thoughts and prayers. They’ve had a very difficult time getting pregnant and an even more difficult time staying pregnant. I really worry about what will happen to my sister if anything happens with this pregnancy. *crosses fingers and eyes*
We went and saw the new Indiana Jones movie a week ago. I knew it was getting mixed reviews and that people were overly comparing it to movies that came out almost 20 years ago so I went with an open mind. I loved it. There were some really funny parts to it.
I’ve been lost in books lately. I added a new plugin that keeps track of what I’ve read, am reading and will be reading in the near future. Right now I’m lost in the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. She’s a local author who’s books seem to be taking off like the Harry Potter ones. The movie will be out on December 12 and I can’t wait. All I can really say about this fantastic series of which I’m already reading book 3 of is… I want my own Edward Cullen! *swoon* I love a guy who can be aggressive yet tender. I can’t wait for the 4th book to come out in August!
The kids are on summer break now so things aren’t as hectic as far as driving to and from school but it requires keeping them busy and occupied all day long or they fight like a pack of wild dogs. Oy! My best friend is getting married on Saturday in Laughlin, Nevada. I’ve only ever driven right through there and never actually stayed. It’s supposed to be like a mini version of Las Vegas but I’m not a gambler so neither city has ever held much of an appeal to me. I HATE taking risks and gambles. Must be why I’ve had so many crushes in my lifetime that never went anywhere. I wasn’t willing to take any risks and certainly wasn’t willing to say anything unless they expressed interest first.
I plan to start making some changes in my life starting next week. I promised Devlin that if he worked on getting bigger I’d work on getting smaller so I could ride the Matterhorn at Disneyland with him. I intend to try and keep that promise and I would like to be able to visit a theme park with Edwin & Caitlyn while they’re still young enough to want to ride on the rides with their mom and be able to fit in the rides! I’ve also decided I need to start looking at myself internally as well as externally. I’m pretty screwed up in the head and I need to figure myself out and figure who I am and how I plan to fit into this world now that Paul is gone.
Well I guess that’s it for now.. I’m going to go throw myself into “Eclipse”. I’ll try to come back tomorrow to write about “Free Comic Book Day” finally LOL Take care all!
2 CommentsPosted on 05/28/08 at 12:48 pm to Uncategorized
Leona Lewis - Yesterday
I just can’t believe your gone
Still waitin’ for mornin’ to come
When I see if the sun will rise, in the way that your by my side
Well we got so much in store
Tell me what is it I’m reaching for
When we’re through building memories I’ll hold yesterday in my heart
In my heart
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds, or least where the story goes
I never believed until now
I know I’ll see you again I’m sure
No it’s not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day one more smile on your face
But they can’t take yesterday
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we never played
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
I thought our days would last forever
But it wasn’t our destiny
Cause in my mind we had so much time, but I was so wrong
No I can believe that
I can still find the strengh in the moments we made
I’m lookin back on yesterday
Repeat chorus
No CommentsPosted on 05/27/08 at 3:56 pm to Inner Sanctum
First I want to thank Angela for reminding me I’m not as alone as I sometimes think I am. I want to thank Del for her support through the last 3 years or so even when she may not think she’s doing much. *hugs you both* So after I came here the other day and let the rain clouds dump my emotional rain, I cried it out and tried to put on another set of gloves for dying hair and wouldn’t you know all those tears being shed seemed to remove some of the bloat and the gloves not only fit but were baggy? LOL Go figure… It’s been a difficult couple of days but I think I’ve been so deep in my depression that I was tuning out all signs of Paul still being here. I SWEAR I felt his hand touch my outer thigh yesterday when I laid down on my side to read. I thought it was the cat at first but he wasn’t even in the room.
I have so many other things to write about but they require photos go with them and I have to kick myself in the butt to get them resized and renamed so I can share them. We’ve done many things in the past month that were worth talking about but I just didn’t have the desire so I’m going to work on that. Writing about my emotions helped me so much right after Paul was killed and so many thought I should write a book but at some point I gave up writing out my feelings and I don’t think that helped me any. I’m going to try and get better about it.
I will also be setting up a password for some posts because sometimes I would like to vent about family and such and in the off chance they should find this blog I don’t want momentary venting to hurt anybody. Plus I have some other private feelings I want to write about that I don’t want certain people to see. I’m willing to share the password with non-family members though LOL
So I got my hair dyed and then the next thing I took the time to sit and straighten my hair with the straightener for the first time. I have REALLY thick hair and it’s long so it takes quite a while and it’s a lot of work but I really liked it so I’ll probably do it more often when I’m going somewhere special. I have such horrible bags under my eyes but well.. depression will do that. I’m working on it. 
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